Argh! Arrrrr……gh!

Can’t wait… must… not. die. from. antici…..pation. before…. releases. release…. ugh.

Also, Kristen Bell.

Tornado's!

Have you heard of this game? It’s like Motorstorm, except a whole bunch cooler. It’s got the whole different types of vehicles in the same race thing, with cars racing against ATV’s and all that jazz, but it’s got a totally sweet open world map. It was actually recently confirmed as the biggest open world environment in any game ever! (or something)!!. I read that somewhere, for real.

So you can race up Mount Ranier, and the Grand Canyon is in there somewhere. That’s totally boss, am I right? I am. Plus there’s a free roam mode, where you can just drive all over something like 14,000 square km, doing whatever you think is totally awesome; for me, that’d be crashing into everything I can, and trying to get caught up in a tornado. Oh yeah, there are tornado’s. It reminds me of this old motorcycle game I used to play where you could just drive around the countryside crashing into trains and falling off of mountains, except that game didn’t have tornado’s. So stay with me while I drop some math: whatever that motorcycle game was + tornado’s + open world awesome sauce = Fuel. Hey-O! I’ve heard you can even design your own tracks, which means I’ll be able to master a certain ridiculous pathway, make it a track, and then laugh when all my friends get frustrated and crash a lot! Huzzah!

Lightening!

You know what else is cool? It’s coming out for the 360, which means I might actually be able to race against some of my friends. Because based on my personal real world experience, there are three people in existence that own a PS3. I am one of them. I haven’t been able to find out whether or not it has local multiplayer (split screen), but I doubt it, because gaming companies seem to have forgotten that some people still have friends in real life. Looks like it’s coming out June 5th, check the Critique for reviews.

No, those two don’t have anything to do with each other, but I figured it was high-time to help spread the word about Black Dynamite. I don’t think I really need to say anything, just watch the trailer.

Kristen!

I also thought it was high-time to get this blog back to it’s primary focus: Kristen Bell. Is Kristen Bell actually the primary focus of this blog? Not on purpose, but I like posting picture of her. A couple days ago some behind the scenes footage was released for When in Rome, which is a Disney movie starring about 100 people including Don Johnson. Bell is prominently featured (as it should be) and MAN there looks to be a lot of dancing in this movie.

Kristen has also signed up for You Again, which sounds predictable but maybe kind of funny. Apparently she plays a “young woman” who upon meeting her brother’s fiance, discovers her to be her arch nemesis from high school. I’m guessing she then goes on to try and destroy their relationship, and at some point toward the end of the second act, makes nice, and gets them back together. Err … spoiler alert? Anyway, Kristen signing on for You Again brings her total number of movies coming out in ‘09 to somewhere around 10,052. Sounds like a good year to me.

Here’s a problem I have: I don’t like sci-fi movies. Now, normally that wouldn’t be a problem, because let’s face it, Sci-fi movies suck. The problem though, is that I REALLY want to like sci-fi movies. I’m not even sure why, but I’ve got this idea of what a cool sci-fi movie is, and then I watch one, and it almost always feels like a punch in the stomach. I’ve only found a couple movies that live up to my (apparently) high standards for science fiction.

1 - Serenity. This one is a no-brainer. Based off the awesome (and totally ruined by Fox) show Firefly, this is the only thing Whedon has made that I can tolerate; aside from the obvious Dr. Horrible.

2 - Solaris. This is exactly what I think sci-fi movies should be like. Space is weird, and boring. Sorry, but it’s true.

3 - Event Horizon. The first half of this movie (before all the insane bullshit) is some of the best sci-fi ever made. Cool fast travel technology, and sleep chamber stuff. I’m down. Ship that went to hell, and ripping out eyeballs? Not so down.

4 - Pitch Black. Again, like the auto-pilot sleep chamber stuff, and the cool planet exploration. This movie is just badass.

5 - Alien & Aliens. These are almost too obvious to list. Alien is basically perfect, and Aliens is great, and only improved with the extended edition stuff.

That’s it! All other sci-fi movies just make me angry and disappointed. Am I missing some? Does anybody like those movies, and know of more I would like? Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is because this movie Moon looks mother-fucker amazing!

How did I not know that Sam Raimi had FINALLY written and directed a new horror film!?  Probably I just assumed he was working on Spiderman 26, and throwing money at other people’s mediocre horror projects (not counting 30 Days of Night).

Someone (probably the trailer) is calling Drag me to Hell “The Return of True Terror”, and all I can say after watching the trailer is “Fuuuuuuck yes!”  Shock Till You Drop premiered the poster this morning which is, as you can see, totally awesome.

It comes out on May 26th, and is starring Alison Lohman, so there’s really not a whole lot more you can ask for. Except of course, a trailer.

 You play as a new fifth Ghostbuster, who has just joined the team.  At first I was disappointed that we wouldn’t be playing as THE Ghostbusters, but then I realized, you wouldn’t want some jamoke playing as Dr. Spangler, and jumping around like an idiot while constantly crossing the streams.  That’s so not Egon.

I’m sure everyone knows that the original cast is back doing all the VO work, and it’s written by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, so this is going to be like playing through a new Ghostbusters movie.  Basically it would be cool, even if the game wasn’t that good.  Lucky for us, the game looks amazing!

Check out the video below which shows the team destroying everything in site with their proton packs, like they don’t give a good god damn!  Which of course, they don’t; they’re just there to bust some ghosts.  The graphics and physics engine are both equally saliva-inducing.  Only a couple months left to wait.  Watch The Critique for my review later on.

Being a huge Grand Theft Auto fan (the games, not the criminal act.  Although …) I remember being so excited I almost threw up when I saw the first footage of GTA 3, in glorious 3D.  My friend and I burst from the house and ran all the way to Blockbuster (not as extreme as it sounds, it was maybe three blocks away, but still, the excitement was there, fueling our out of shape bodies to hithertofore unheard of speeds) and rented it.  The next several days were spent doing a couple missions, but mostly driving over old women, and then shooting anyone who had something to say about it (again, in the game, not real life.)

As the years went by we were treated to several more 3D Grand Theft Auto games, including a couple “Stories” on PSP, which meant I could take it to my job as a Retail Wage Slave, and vent frustration on my breaks by running over old women, and then shooting anyone who had something to say about it.  Then I could go back inside and play Liberty City Stories on my PSP for the remainder of my break.

So when I saw that the new GTA: Chinatown Wars was going back to the old style top down view, imagine my disappointment.  Now imagine the opposite of that disappointment, because I’m pumped-up as all get-out about this game. I don’t know if I was just ready for a change, or feeling nostalgic, but they timed the release of this game perfectly - for me anyway. Luckily I haven’t been following it too closely, because who cares, I’m still playing the crap out of GTA IV, so I only have to wait a couple more days until it’s release.

Check out this video on hacking and sniping. Awesome!

I know what you’re thinking, “Red Faction?  Who cares?  I’m a big idiot.”  Well guess what you big idiot, this game looks AMAZING!  When is it coming out?  I don’t know, probably never I guess, because when I played it at PAX,  it seemed ready to go, and that was about six or seven forever’s ago.

The plot of Guerrilla is as follows:  you’re a guy who really likes to break shit.  So you go somewhere, maybe Mars, so you can break everything you see into a million pieces.  I guess it must be the future, because there are lots of buildings to smash there.  Either that, or it’s not really on Mars.  Anyway, there’s basically stuff to break everywhere you look.  Luckily you’ve got a sledgehammer and endless endurance.  You’ve also got a couple trucks and things that are invaluable in smashing those hard to smash walls.  

For some reason there are people wandering around that shoot at you, and basically get in the way of you destroying everything.  So you have to shoot them, or better yet, collapse a building onto them, so you can continue on your never-ending path of destruction.  I put this game to test, man.  I broke the whole level.  I must have spent half an hour breaking out the support beams for a 20 story water tower, until it finally collapsed and killed me.  I can’t wait anymore, come on Volition!

What’s with all the 3D movies all of a sudden? I don’t know, but I like it! After seeing My Bloody Valentine in 3D I can’t stop thinking about how cool it is. Here’s a list of movies that are being made with all three dimensions accounted for:

Coraline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Feb. 6, 2009
Monsters vs Aliens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mar. 27, 2009
Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .May 29, 2009
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs . . . . . . Jul. 01, 2009
G-Force . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jul 24, 2009
Paranha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jul. 24, 2009
Final Destination 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Aug 21, 2009
Toy story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Oct. 2, 2009
Horrorween . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oct. 30, 2009
Planet 51 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jul. 24, 2009
Disney’s a Christmas Carol . . . . . . . . . .Nov. 6, 2009
Avatar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Dec. 18, 2009
The Princess & the Frog . . . . . . . . . . Dec. 25, 2009
Tintin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jan. 1, 2010
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs . . .Jan. 15, 2010
Toy Story 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Feb. 12, 2010
Alice in Wonderland . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mar. 5, 2010
How to Train Your Dragon . . . . . . . . . .Mar. 26, 2010
Alpha and Omega . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Apr. 16, 2010
Shrek the Forth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . May 21, 2010
Toy Story 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jun. 18, 2010
Despicable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jul. 16, 2010
Guardians of Ga’Hoole . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jul. 23 2010
Mastermind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Nov. 5, 2010
Rapunzel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dec. 1, 2010
The Dark Country . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Dec. 30, 2009
Cars 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jun. 24, 2011

* A couple items from the list have been removed to protect you.
Hint: One involved the Jonas Brothers.

_
I don’t even know what most of those movies are, but that’s not stopping me from being excited about them. Check out a couple … Monsters vs Aliens, Final Destination 4 (I’m a sucker for these movies, make fun if you must; I probably deserve it.) and Toy Story 3.

OK, so there isn’t a trailer for Toy Story 3 yet, but get this: Ken (Yes, Barbie’s Ken) is in it, and he’s voiced by Michael Batman Keaton! Now that’s awesome. Of course, that doesn’t really have anything to do with it being in 3D, but shut up. It’s my blog.

Probably most exciting is Couples Retreat, which is written by Jon “The Favr” Favreau and directed by Ralphie from A Christmas Story (no joke).  It just keeps getting better when you find out that Jason Bateman, Jean Reno, and of course Vaughn, and Favreau are in it.

Kristen is also lending her voice to a couple animated movies, and there are a few more rumored projects that I’m not even going to get into until I can do some more research.  Must … not … get … excited … about … unconfirmed rumors …