I’ll start things off by introducing you to the Theta Pi girls in ascending order based on bra size, because we all know that’s why you’re here.

#6 - ‘Chugs’ played by Margo Harshman

Role in the movie:

The slut of the group.

Why do we care:

See ‘Role in the movie’. Also she has a couple lines that are legitimately not-totally-hackneyed.

#5 - ‘Jessica’ played by Leah Pipes

Role in the movie:

The ultra bitch

Why do we care?:

We don’t really, because this character is such an awful person, that no death scene could be good enough… unless maybe they broke her legs, and then put a cage full of bees on her head before burning her alive.

#4 - ‘Ellie’ played by Rumer Willis

Role in the movie:

The “smart” chick, who is obviously not hot, because she wears glasses sometimes.

Why do we care?:

Because she’s the daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, which means she could probably kick your ass. Also she turns into female John McClane at the end of the movie. See picture——–>

#3 - ‘Claire’ played by Jamie Chung

Role in the movie:

The “ethnic” chick that is included to provide some depth to the Theta Pi girls. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.

Why do we care?:

I guess mostly just because she’s hot. I don’t actually remember anything she said.

#2 - ‘Megan’ played by Audrina Patridge

Role in the movie:

She’s the girl who gets killed in the very beginning. You’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about.

Why do we care?:

She’s kind of the point of the whole movie.

#1 - ‘Cassidy’ played by Briana Evigan

Role in the movie:

The heroin / Wearer of the Shortest Shorts.

Why do we care?:

She is literally the only likeable character in the movie, and not just because she’s number one on this list, although that certainly doesn’t hurt. Also, you’ve got to give her props, because in a movie which is at least partially about girls wearing tiny shorts, she is the clear winner.

OK! Surely you know what this movie is about, because either you saw the trailer, which played on the front of every movie that came out last year, or because you’ve seen any of the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies. Just in case neither of those is true (PLEASE tell me how you accomplished that!) here’s the basic idea:

Megan’s boyfriend Garrett (who is Chugs’ brother, and incidentally cries more than all the girls put together) is totally cheating on her, so Jessica comes up with the plan of giving Garrett some GHB to help him score, even though he’s supposedly dating her… it’s a little hazy here, just go with it. Garrett evidently takes little to no convincing, and gives Megan the whole bottle. The girls then gather around in the room next door where they can view a secret camera they had installed earlier, (or maybe it was always there?) to watch the hilarity ensue - and yes, Chugs is there watching her brother get it on with her basically-dead sorority sister. So Megan starts vomiting and convulsing, and all the girls are freaking out, even though they were all in on it, and should probably know that it’s fake vomit, and she’s not dying. This part is also unclear.

Anyway, Garrett freaks out, and the girls pretend to freak out, and they all pile into Jessica’s SUV and start driving to the hospital, but oh-no! They’ve taken a wrong turn, and ended up in the middle of nowhere! Oh well, she’s dead anyway, so while they’re there, they might as well start calmly collecting rocks to dismember the body. But that wily Garrett takes it too far again, and plunges a tire-iron into Megan’s chest. Oh… Garrett. You’re such a go-getter! With almost no hesitation, the girls decide it’s best to just toss Megan’s body into an open well, so they can go on living their so-cool-like lives of debauchery and full-blown-idiocy.

Flash forward eight months to graduation, and all of the girls have completely moved on- but then… the killing begins. That dude from I know What you Did Last Summer shows up with a tire-iron instead of a meat hook and starts shoving it in the girl’s mouths one by one. I’m not kidding. The writers of this movie have got a serious oral fixation. Just when you think there isn’t a different way to shove a tire-iron into a girl’s mouth, you’re wrong! At one point in the film, a character we’ve never even SEEN before gets a tire-iron shoved in her mouth, and we care just about as much as we did when it happened to all the main characters.

There is a scene toward the end of the film when a hot-tub full of bubble bath (I can’t make this shit up!) is overflowing, and Claire has to wade through it looking for the killer, armed with nothing but a low-cut dress and a flare gun. This scene is legitimately spooky in a haunted house type of way. Blah Blah Blah, and then there’s a twist, and we’re all like… whoa.

Sorority Row has gotten a lot of pretty bad reviews - and with good reason - but I think it was exactly what it needed to be. Like a relic from a lost era of horror movies. Not the best era (late 70’s - 80’s), but maybe the early 90’s. Decent gore, hot girls. That’s not to say it’s a good movie, but if you were expecting anything else, well… shame on you I suppose.