Don’t Put This In Your Eyeballs

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10. Spice World

Everything about this movie suggest an epic space adventure. The name sounds like it was cribbed from the Frank Herbert Dune series and the plot centers around aliens. There’s lots of chicks in skimpy, weird outfits. This should be amazing, until you realize that the title is not about a alien desert planet, the aliens aren’t the bursting from your chest type, and the hot chicks are the Spice Girls, who have only ever boned David Beckham and an assortment of other quasi-lame celebrities. No space adventure, just a bunch of herpes-inducing songs sung by girls that look like a police line up of hookers from a Vegas murder.

9. Space Jam

You maybe saw this when you were young. Maybe you liked it. Leave it at that. Also includes aliens. (Bill Murray is here too, but he is barely worth the excruciatingly bad CGI and painful raping of Looney Tunes characters, who sound NOTHING like they used to).

8. D3: The Mighty Ducks

Even Emilio Estevez wouldn’t touch this one and we’re talking about a man who has probably touched some pretty hard drugs and harder women in his lifetime. He mystically appears on the cover and is the first name in the credits, but appears on screen for a total of five minutes. The rest of the time we are left with a young Joshua Jackson as he leads his ragtag bunch of Ducks against a prep school hockey team. Extra FAIL for making the fat Mexican kid the “wacky” character.

7. National Treasure 2

Nic Cage stutters his way through this offense against American history somehow managing to be even more pointless and unnecessarily long than the first one. This movie’s script reads like it was written by some dipshit who skimmed some other dipshit’s conspiracy website and then made a connect the dots script with his Boring Blockbuster Writer 2000 program. Driven hero with a yen for the truth. Check. Plucky sidekick with an endless bag of oneliners from Laffy Taffy wrappers. Check. Passionless romantic interest that will hopefully convince the audience our main character is only trading oneliners with the plucky young sidekick. Check. Finally, ending that uses hysterically laughable idea that a tribe of South American Indians built a cavern behind Mount Rushmore in SOUTH DAKOTA. (IF you watch the trailer that’s just as big of a spoiler) Check. Me vomiting and crying myself to sleep because this film’s box office assures a completion to the trilogy. Check and check.

6. Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

If you have ever read the book then this will be like watching someone kick a dear and beloved family member in their solar plexus. Point for Eddie Izzard as the ballsy mouse.

5.Untraceable

Image totally NOT from Untraceable

Despite containing the premiere MILF in Hollywood, Diane Lane, this movie is Unwatchable. It’s like Saw 9 meets suck and then sits on your face.

4. Never Back Down

Some bros feel the need to kick the shit out of each other and then go home and cry about it to their ho’s. Its sad to think that the money spent making this could have been used on a fighting film about Chuck Norris fighting Somali pirates or Godzilla.

3. We Own The Night

Despite starring Mark Wahlberg and using the same font as the poster for The Departed in it’s poster, this movie is nothing like that one. Instead Marky Mark is a cop who must chase down his brother (?) Joaquin Phoenix, who is a drug dealer in 1980’s NYC. If you have ever wondered what a film with a flaccid dick would look like then by all means enjoy.

2. Pearl Harbor

Not that you, a person that loves America and respects our World War II veterans, would ever entertain the idea of watching Michael Bay’s crime against humanity, but just in case you were, don’t forget, you don’t want to spit on the graves of war heroes by watching this schlocky, inaccurate, offensive film. Seriously, the only equivalent to this would be making a soap opera about the prisoners in a concentration camp. “Will Joseph cheat on Yentl with Avram this week? Is Rabbi Malachi a evil twin?”

1. Battlefield Earth

This movie is the most hilarious comedy never made on purpose. For this film alone John Travolta should be awarded a Lifetime Razzie. Whoever signed off on an alien costume that included moon boots and bondage gear should be shot. The words to review this film have not been invented yet in the English language; in a an effort to assist with that I put forth: shitarded, horkable, and terrisuffabad.

There you go. I hope you get a chance to check them out. If any one has any suggestions for me I would love it. My current queue has 450 movies on it and I am surprisingly running out.