Well, if you read the title then you now what I am reviewing here. You know that a grown man attended the Hannah Montana movie and, yes, as I was leaving the theatre after the credits, so as to hide my shame, I was laughed out by the theatre cleaning staff, who stared at me in disbelief before erupting into loud cackles of laughter. I must state also for the record that I was attending this film with the woman I am going to marry, who occasionally watches the show this film is based on, and was escorting her after she pleaded with me to go so that she would not be by herself. There, my ass is slightly covered now.

For those of you not familiar with the concept of Hannah Montana let me enlighten you with the tale of this teen pop sensation as it was related to me by a much younger female member of my family. Miley Stewart (played by Miley Cyrus in real life, clever, eh?) is a teen girl who wanted to make her living as a superstar rock singer, but wanted to still lead a normal life and have the best of both worlds (as the theme song of Hannah Montana proclaims). Her father (played by real life dad and “Achy Breaky Heart” performer Billy ray Cyrus) created Hannah Montana, a fictional persona for Miley to hide behind, thus guaranteeing many mistaken identity plotlines and schizo moments that result in 7th grade hilarity, both on her show and in her movie. She lives in Malibu with her dad and brother, and goes to school blissfully hidden, with her two best friends, Haley Joel Osment’s little sister (Emily Osment) and some kid that looks like a Mexican and Muppet shared a drunken night in Tiajuana and couldn’t find a morning after pill; I think his name is Oliver. They have lots of wacky adventures on their show and shill products for Disney while plugging Miley Cyrus’s latest dual personality album by having Hannah and Miley both sing ALOT. So, I assume if you’re still reading at this point you are wondering whether the movie manages to rise above the show’s 15 minute running time and fly as an hour and half feature. Well, the answer is: kind of.

The movie does indeed blow all the chunks you expect. The plot is paper thin, the songs are only relatable only if you happen to be menstruating for the first time or have just shared your first kiss with the cute boy next door, the acting is of the Don Knots variety for the most part, and to top it all off there is a song called the ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ (more on that gem later). For the moment let me enlighten you as to the epic piece of storytelling that is this film. The movie finds Miss Cyrus beginning to tire of her double life as the Montana and, at the same time, slowly plunging into the depraved hell that is the celebrity life. Yes, the dark hand of Fame has come knocking at her door and the downward spiral of shame and guilt wracks our young heroine as she… fights…… Tyra… Banks… for some shoes. Yes, that is what sets everyone to worrying about little Miss Montana. In an era where Britney shaves her head for fun and Lindsey Lohan goes from Disney girl to coke whore lesbian, it is this inexcusable show-fight that provokes the publics ire. It is caught on camera by a sleazy British paparazzi who spends the movie following Hannah, in what should be an almost Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction manner, but here is played for laughs. There is no puddle of mud too far away for our portly Brit creeper to fall into.

After her father witnesses her unforgivable shoe fight, he hijacks her off to Tennesee to the family farm for an opportunity to reconnect with her hillbilly family; a “Hannah detox” as he calls it. What comes next even uncivilized Borneo tribesmen who have never seen a movie screen in their life could predict: Miley pouts and complains about the lack of shopping, she tries to do chores on the farm and wacky farm jokes ensue, and she meets the cute boy who works for her Grandma and rides his horse around the sun-dappled fields in a almost pornographic slo-mo manner. There is also a plot point about a developer who wants to bulldoze her hometown of Crawley Corners and erect a mall (This idea is treated by the film as something akin to the Holocaust, yet is a bit incongruous since Wal Mart,the slayer of small towns is the exclusive dealer of Hannah Montana crap). You can bet that at some point someone is going to have to don that blonde wig and perform a set of rockin’-righteous tunes to save the town. It pretty much plays out like your thinking.

So with all this bad, why am I even bothering with a review? Well, here is the roughest part of this review. I am writing this because with all this crap and even the ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ (a song that implores the listener to “Pop it, Lock it, and Polka dot it”, not kidding there, actual lyrics, and there’s dance moves that go with that). I have to admit that there are some genuinely decent moments in this film. Okay, here we go. For starters the film owes a huge debt to Miley Cyrus, who has all the acting range of mud and a singing voice that sounds like a teen Dixie Chick, but also carries the film on her “aww shucks” charm. The girl has that star quality, the “it” factor, whatever you want to call it, Miley Cyrus carries it off. She is ably abetted by a decent set of supporting actors, who, when given even the tiniest of material, manage to make the most of it. Emily Osment, as Lily, Miley’s best friend, proves that the acting talent in her family, (remember the ‘I see dead people kid’? That’s her brother) runs deep, and she and Cyrus make a few scenes genuinely well acted. Her dad, Billy Ray (you lose IQ points just reading that name) comes off like a 1950’s sitcom dad, but in mostly the right ways and with only one or two mild brushes with unintentional (please, God say it’s unintentional) moments of incest, and even the Mexican Muppet kid has one or two moments of cheeky charm.

The real winner in Hannah Montana’s corner though, is the concept of the show itself. What teen girl doesn’t wish she could be rockstar by night and a normal kid by day? It’s the perfect concept and one that the show and movie exploit constantly; and rightly so. I may not be about to run out and buy a Hannah Montana CD (though now that I have mastered the ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ I should), but I do get why all those damn kids can’t get enough of her. The whole thing comes off like you have just taken a sunshiney bowl of crack and huffed it up your nose.

So, yeah, the movie is at times embarrassingly aimed at teens and tweens, and for all of Cyru’s good points, she is saddled with a love story that is laughably clean, and a script that clings desperately to the squeaky Disney formula (everything can be solved with a work montage song). In the last scene of the movie [SPOILER LIKE YOU REALLY CARE] she loses the wig and shows the world that she is really Miley Stewart, a normal girl. The stunned crowd holds their breath, and from the wave of humanity a little girl cries “Put your wig back on, you can never be yourself without it”. I could almost see the disgust in Cyrus’s face (quickly covered over by a glossy Disney smile) as she rolled toward the final moments of the film that will most likely be Hannah’s first and last. I hope she breaks free from it someday, because she does have talent, but for now, the wig remains firmly in place.

GOD, I almost forgot, her brother gets eaten by an alligator. There, if you want to see it for the horror element, go for that. I am not joking… eaten by an alligator.