May 1st

X Men Origins: Wolverine

Let’s not even assume that you’re going to give this one a pass. You are going. You and everyone else on earth. The main reason to enjoy X-Men, Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, gets his own origins story and I am thrilled. After the soulsuckingly-hellish X-Men 3 vomited upon us by director Brett Ratner, the franchise needs some hope and thankfully it may be here in the form of this film. Director Gavin Hood helmed the 2006 Oscar winner for foreign language film Tsosti, (a great film about the struggles of a thief in South Africa after he discovers a baby in a car he has stolen) so he obviously knows his way around a story. Last year’s less than exciting Rendition was a misstep slightly, but is was by no means a disaster. The best thing in Wolvy’s corner here is his supporting cast, who seem to have been cast with actual acting ability in mind. Taylor Kitsch, from the TV series Friday Night Lights, is a perfect choice to bring the Cajun to life. The always solid Ryan Reynolds appears as Deadpool, finally getting to be in a good comic book movie after having been put through the nap and crap that was Blade 3, and one of my favorites, Dominic Monaghan of LOTR fame gets to play Bolt; a rather simple name, but what the hell. The only tiny scare on this movie is the inclusion of Black Eyed Peas rapper Will I Am as Wraith. Will I Am is a decent musician and producer of albums (even if his music is subjected to Fergie Ferg and Fergalisciousness), but most musicians turned actor have all the talent onscreen of a wet turd, so here is hoping he has the ability to be mute and hides from his enemies as a log or something that requires an equal amount of movement. Then there is of course the sensational Hugh Jackman holding down the proceedings. I am betting pretty safe on this one. I doubt they achieve perfection, but I also doubt disappointment.

Gambling on a grade of:

Opening weekend that suits will claim responsibility for due to EXCESSIVE marketing campaign: $85 million.

Trailer As If You Need It:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

There is nothing that kills me faster than that Matthew McConaughey charm. Oh man! The way he uses that shit-eating grin constantly, or maybe when he has that wacky furrowed brow “Whats goin’ on?” face, or when he makes that… that one other face… that… well, I guess those are really the only two things he does. Whatever, not important.

Anyway, I love him in romantic comedies, I love especially that he ONLY does romantic comedies, and the way he is always such a lovable little rascal. And OMG, Jennifer Garner! Me and my boys like to call her Jenn ’cause she seems so down to earth, like she would get along with us when we go to the Gap or for fro-yo. Her and Mathew in one movie. This is going to be so good. There is that one chick, from Superbad, the one named Emma Stone, who thinks she is so funny because she does, like, acting and stuff. GODD, kill me now! And that Lacey Chabert from Mean Girls is such a slut, she thinks she is so hot, but guys only like her because she is gorgeous and can act and stuff. Soooo, whatever. Well, I will see you there at the premiere, boyfriend, maybe after the movie we can go next door in the mall and do some shopping.

Calling This One:
(and that’s only for Emma Stone and Mean Girls director Mark Waters being present.)

Opening Weekend that will prove women are suckers: $20 million.

Trailer of Mass Suckitude: (Except for Emma Stone)

Battle For Terra

This is Canadian animation company Snoot Entertainment’s first offering, eh? Should be solid huh, hoser? It got swell reviews at the Toronto Film Festival when it showed there in 2007, but then again, nothing loves a Canadian like a Canadian. Its got the voice talents of Evan Rachel Wood and Justin Long, and they’re no hosers. It follows the story of a space explorer who crash lands on a peaceful planet of aliens that he must protect from his own people, those bastard humans and their violent civil war. Could be good stuff. The preview looked like pretty heady stuff for an animated movie. Also it has the voice talents of Brian Cox, Dennis Quaid, Amanda Peet, Luke Wilson, Ron Perelman, and Chris Evans.

Calling This One At:

Opening Weekend that isn’t a Pixar or Dreamworks movie: $10 million (and that’s going big)

Trailer That’s Decent:

The Limits of Control

Jim Jarmusch is one of the best directors working today. His films always deliver, whether its an aging inner-city samurai (Forrest Whittaker, Ghost Dog) or an aging Romeo looking to find some meaning in his twilight years (Bill Murray, Broken Flowers). Here Jarmusch delivers a story of a mysterious loner who lives outside the law trying to complete a job as a hired killer. It is pretty much what the pathetic Hitman film should have been only even more so, with Jarmusch’s signature style complemented by legendary cinematographer Christopher Doyle. Sharp, stylish, and with a quirky sense of humour this one is worth seeking out.

Calling This One At:

Opening Box Office with a quirky smile: $5 million.

Sensational Trailer:

May 8th

Star Trek

This movie is gonna suck ass. What, you don’t believe me? Good, neither do I. This is going to be one of the bigger summer movies this year and rightly so. Lost scribe, J.J. Abrams should turn in a great movie. Mission Impossible 3 wasn’t Jaws, but it wasn’t Mission Impossible 2 either, so there’s a good chance that Abrams can make this spaceship fly and judging from the preview he has taught it a few new tricks. Abrams is without doubt the most commercial big name director working today. If you lived in the heart of the suburbs on Average Lane and were yourself the proud owner of a white picket fence house and 2.5 children, then this guy would be your nerdy neighbor.

That said, he does seem to tap a level of societal consciousness in his films. In other words, he knows what makes people go “ohh”. There will be no deep commentary here, there will be lots of fast paced action. The cast includes some good and some we-will-see’s. Chis Pine did not blow me away in the Lindsay Lohan vehicle Just My Luck (or whatever the hell it was) but all he has to do is act better than Shatner; maybe more daunting than it sounds. The boringly average Zachary Quinto, Sylar of Heroes fame (where he plays the most gooey bad guy ever), dons the Spock ears and could pull it off, since it doesn’t take Daniel Day Lewis to make an emotionless Vulcan tick. The best bit of casting belongs to Simon Pegg as Scottie (brilliant), Karl Urban (Eomer from LOTR) as Bones Mcoy (get ready for some “dammit Jim’s” of amazing intensity), and the beautiful Zoe Saldana as Uhura (bonus, she acts too). All things considered this is my pick of the month for action.

Calling This One At:

Opening Box Office lines of nerds to the final frontier: $100 million.

Trailer To The Next Generation:

Next Day Air

The directors name is Benny Boom. His list of credits include “Mobb Deep: The Videos” and “50 Cent: The Massacre”. It stars Donald Faison from Scrubs and Mike Epps [from every African American comedy ever made], and the inderscibably awesome Mos Def. The character names are Guch, Shavoo, Bodega, and Chita. The plot involves a couple of bruthas from the wrong side of the law being mistakenly mailed some mufuckin cocaine and then trying to keep it. Shit gets real, and then bad. There’s ten different story lines, or so the add claims. Now, I will watch anything with Mos Def in it, but I will probably be waiting on this beeyatch for DVD.

Calling This One At:

Up Against Star Trek: $8 million.

Mufuckin’ Trailer:

Rudo y Cursi

This movie follows two brothers from Mexico as they follow their dream of playing professional soccer. It finds the duo of Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna, (both from the masterwork Y Tu Mama Tambien) back together under the direction of Carlos Cuaron, brother of Y Tu Mama director and producer of this film, Alfonso Cuaron; this time making their way through comic territory. The preview looks like this could carry some genuine laughs and thanks to some great acting, some nice moments of genuine emotion between the two brothers. These two guys are national treasures of acting in Mexico and are both successful in the States. The film is produced by both Alfonso Cuaron and Guillermo (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrith) Del Toro, and has a great visual style that announces Carlos Cuaron as someone to watch. This one has potential. Good luck finding it. Be not afraid of the subtitles, they are but words and cannot hurt you.

Calling This One At:


Opening Box Office swarmed by Latinos who hate Star Trek: $8 million.

Trailer With the Dreaded SUBTITLES: (Get over it)

May 15th

Angels and Demons

For those of you that remember the butt-numbing snorefest that was The Da Vinci Code, then here is round two. Angels and Demons is based on the novel by the same author of Da Vinci Code and features the same main character as the Da Vinci Code, and is brought to you by the exact same team of writers and director that lulled you to sleep for three hours with history theories. This time around they have brought Ewan Mcgregor along, so at least you can keep yourself up by waiting for him to flash his pecker onscreen. Also Stellan Skarsgard is in as the baddy so depending on the way the wind blows you could get two flashes of Euro dong for the price of one.

I have read the book that this is based on and I can tell you that it was, like the Da Vinci Code, a very decent, if somewhat pulpy, read. Lots of action. Lots of running about looking for clues, and a nice ending. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then go for it. The main problem with Da Vinci Code was that everyone and their dog had read the damn thing so any mystery as to what the clues were was pretty well gone. I can forsee this suffering similarly, but since fewer people have read Angels and Demons, maybe more of a surprise is in order. I am upgrading this from C to B simply on the status of Tom Hanks having no Bono mullet, in this film.

Calling This One At:

Box Office from people who loved the Hanks mullet: $50 million.

Mulletless Trailer:

The Brothers Bloom

Rian Johnson, director of Brick, has finally made his followup to one of my favorite movies, the aforementioned Brick. The Brothers Bloom follows con men brothers as they go on a round the world adventure. Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz, and Mark Ruffalo star and that should be enough to get you into the theatre, if it isn’t check out the first seven minutes. I am so there.

Calling This One:

Box Office depending on the love of Hanks mullet: $20 million.

Trailer of Cool:

Management

Jennifer Aniston reminds us that she is cute and adorable as an art manager who is followed by Steve Zahn’s lovable loser across the country after he falls for her while she is staying in his parents roadside motel. Like Psycho but with a huggable Zahn instead of a murdering Norman Bates. We hope anyway.

Calling This One At:

Box Office for the 5 people who see it in their local arthouse cinema: $2 million.

Slightly Disturbing Trailer:

May 22

Terminator Salvation

The title of this film suggests that the Christ himself will enter the Terminator franchise and bring the good news to the bots of the world; instead Christ’s antitheses is here: McG. Let’s get beyond the fact that instead of high muscle, low acting Arnie, we get great thespians like ranter extraordinaire Christian Bale, sylph-like Bryce Dallas Howard, and Aussie boy-hero Sam Worthington. But after all that there is still McG (or Mackers, as I like to call him. I’m like Bush for the nicknames). This man may be the American answer to German shit master Uwe Boll. His Charlie’s Angels film made cotton candy look dark and bitter. His lamefest We Are Marshall was so syrupy that some people in the theatres had to take a shower upon returning home because they were attracting flies and pancakes. In short, the man is a one shot ode to pathetic. For final proof one need only view a picture of Mackers, to see his douchness in visual terms.

The movie itself is a decent idea, not great, but we get to see John Connor fight the machines after seeing him in whiny man-child form for the last two movies. He gets to be played by Bale this time, so that’s good. There are the ingredients here for a decent film and the previews look alright, but like a circling shark near you in the water, you cannot take your eyes off Mackers. Cuz he is gonna rain down lame on you. It is not a matter of maybe or of the audacity of hope, it is a train speeding at you, ready to plow your sorry ass straight into Sucktown: population Mackers. Like Michael Bay he’s gonna throw a lot of special effects at you, and because ILM is the Steven Spielberg of amazing effects they are gonna look great, but watch out! I don’t care if that shark does have candy, he is still waiting to strike, because at some point the laws of story dictate that there will be a climax in the plot line that brings our main character to the apex of his journey, and you aren’t going to care, because Mackers forgot to make a character, or a coherently edited plot line. For you see the truth is, Mackers is, himself, a machine.

Entertainment Tonight, in 2103, suffering horribly bad Nielsen ratings, created him so that they could send him back in time to create movies that spread douchebaggery to the citizens of the world, so that by 2103 all of humanity would love Entertainment Tonight. Don’t let them win.

Calling This One At:

Box Office of future Entertainment Tonight peons: $60 Million.

Trailer That Wants To Be Manly:

Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian

Because a sequel to Night At The Museum 1: Ben Stiller Makes Wacky With Monkey, is what a recession riddled America needs. Relax, kick back and enjoy some more patented Stiller hijinks as he makes wippety-woppity slapstick humour, one or two poop jokes, and has a love affair with a wax dummy. Wait? WTF? Did I get that right?… yeah, it appears I did. Ben Stiller’s romantic interest is a wax dummy of Amelia Erhart. EWW. At least the producers cast the cute and bubbly Amy Adams in the part making it even more disturbing. The problems start there and keep steam piling for this movie.

The first one was supposed to be about a museum that brought exhibits to life after hours, so how exactly does it now happen in another non-magical museum? Answer: Who gives a shit? Here’s an even better question: do you remember the name of Ben Stiller’s character? How about the name of any of the characters? You probably don’t, because this movie is not even a story let alone a place for characters to dwell. This movie is a hour and a half long sketch that tries to throw as many comic actors into five minute (if their lucky) cameos and Ben Stiller, playing Ben Stiller, is the ringmaster. The first movie skated on to a huge box office during the Christmas season a few years ago, mostly on the strength that a large amount of people are drunk and/or exhausted throughout the last half of December and will laugh maniacally at anything with whimsy and humour. So, since that box office Christmas miracle of a $100 million plus gross occurred, then there must be a sequel, and here it is.

The list of cameos is nice, Bill Hader (a personal fave), Robin Williams (again and louder), Hank Azaria, Owen Wilson, Steve Coogan, Ricky Gervais, Christopher Guest, and more, plus the return of Dick van Dyke, whose elderly security guard, along with Mickey Rooney (too smart to do it twice), were the only highlight of an otherwise cheerless affair. In the end they might as well stop pretending to hang a story on this turd and just have a variety show. I know there are those of you out there who loved the first one and will flock to the second one, which will contain the same lameness you laughed at the first time, and you say to me “How can you not like Night At The Museum?” and to you I answer: because I’m not a tool.

Calling This One At:

Box Office that will make a trilogy a sure thing: $30 million(tools)

Lame Trailer:

Dance Flick

Thanks to the demon spawn, Satan-worshiping, turd-gargling, used-condom-drinking, bastards who made Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Disaster Movie (a title which reviewed itself) the realm of the parody film has fallen under a dark cloud. The days of a decent Mel Brooks movie or a masterpiece like Airplane are gone and dead. Into this dark and dreary land comes the Wayans brothers, whose Scary Movie franchise was the precursor of the screen killing “Movie” franchise. They stopped after Scary Movie 2 and went off to make cinematical treasures, like White Chicks and Little Man, films which almost rivaled the “Movie” bunch in terms of pure movie holocaust. The thing with the Brothers (who are actually a whole freaking family of actors, directors, writers, and whatnot) is that, while never being the comic masters they are made out to be, they do manage (at times) to make some very funny observations about race in America from the African American point of view. Their film Don’t Be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood was not bad; not Blazing Saddles, but not bad.

They return to the land of parody with their film Dance Flick, a film that mocks the entire dance genre. While it sounds like another “Movie” franchise entry, the perpetrators of those heinous acts against humanity, are nowhere to be found. Here in fact we get some old Wayans and new Wayans in the form of all the old Wayans brothers starring and writing, but also we get Marlon Wayans Jr. the son of… well, Marlon Wayans. The good news is that Jr. is a pretty decent leading man. He has good comic timing and seems to know his way around a joke without overselling it too much. Also, cousin Damien Wayans, makes a move from the writing department to the director’s chair fairly well, or so it seems.

The preview has a few moments that made me laugh out loud (one involving a interracial kiss was particularly funny) and some moments that made me wish I were dead. So, the jury is really out on this one. I hope they rise above crap of their latest movies and give me a reason to believe that parody is not yet dead.

Calling This One At:

Box Office on a busy weekend: $10 million.

Heres the trailer. You decide. I like some, but hate a lot. Watch out for dancing baby. (Yeah)

The Girlfriend Experience

So in this weekend of Mackers, Stillers, and Wayans is there anything that has any hope of being good? Well, kind of. I am unashamedly a Steven Soderbergh fan. You, the reader, either are also or you are not. He is one of those directors who takes chances and it either pays off amazingly (Traffic, Oceans 11 and 12, Solaris) or it doesn’t (Oceans 13, Full Frontal). He makes films like most people put on socks, he shoots very film school style: low budget and yes, indie arthouse style, but almost always what he makes is fun to watch and filled with great character (something most of this weekends fare appears to be lacking).

This film, The Girlfriend Experience, is one of those extreme chances that he takes. The film is about the days leading up to the 2008 election following a New York call girl who offers not just sex, but an entire girlfriend experience (I smell a title). The trailer is a unique one, with a continuous drum solo and no dialogue, it intrigues and promises nothing at the same time. The big controversy here is the lead actress, one Sasha Grey, whose past CV includes the films Teenage Whores 3, My Evil Sluts 3, and my favorite Face Invaders 4. As you can tell, she’s only worked in sequels. The big question here is “Can she fake more than an orgasm?” Advance word from Sundance, where this was a sneak preview, have stated that Grey performs admirably as someone who gets paid to have sex for money, but that one would not wish to see her tackle the role of Ophelia. I will say that in the trailer she seems like a blank canvas, which is perfect for someone who trades in becoming whatever someone fantasizes.

The movie sounds like it should be filled with sex, but strangely is not, a fact that frustrated some whom I would hazard to guess were there for the tits. It is instead a movie about work. The lead character and her gym trainer boyfriend are followed by the camera in an almost documentary style as they try and hustle a living in New York. We see that Soderbergh is less interested in sex and more interested in what has happened to America as we free fall into a recession and what that means on an everyday level; be you a sex worker or a gym trainer. If his film Che was a story about the problems of Communism, then this film is about the problems of Capitalism. The film was shot in 16 days, largely improvised, and features a cast of mostly first time actors, but in the hands of a master like Soderbergh all this leads to what is sure to be an interesting and thought provoking film, if you give it a chance, or it could just be another Face Invaders 4.

Calling This One At: Anything from

Box Office, if there is any: $500,000

Here is the trailer:

Easy Virtue

This is originally a play from the greatest Brit playwright ever, Noel Coward, and as such, we know one thing for sure: the script is great. Coward is the master of the wry humored joke. He is Neil Simon times ten, and this is almost certainly better on stage than it will be on screen. Still, there is no shame in getting a great cast together and filming a classic, since I doubt a touring production of Easy Virtue with a cast this good will ever find its way off Broadway or out of the West End.

The director, Stephan Elliot, made the great film Priscilla Queen of the Desert, a rollicking Aussie film about cross dressing showboys, and seems to have imbued that film’s fresh and fun spirit here in Coward’s work. The story centers around a British lad who comes home to his family married to an American. Set in the 1930’s, the story plays like a noldies version of Meet The Parents as many cultural clashes ensue between the American firecracker Larita and John Whittaker’s stuffy British estate family. The concept is a classic as is the script.

The cast includes Jessica Biel as Larita. I have always thought she was gorgeous, but sort of hung about the middle of the road as far as acting ability is concerned. The real treasures are Colin Firth and Kristin Scott Thomas, having the time of their lives playing John’s upper class parents. The rest of the cast is filled with British stage bit players making the most of their roles. Its probably only worth a rent on DVD, but if you’re in the mood for a good laugh, this blows Nap at the Museum out of the water.

Calling This One At:

Box Office of Noel Coward fans: $3 million.

The trailer:

May 29th

Up

Please, prove to the world you’re not a moron and watch this movie. The trailer looks like Pixar has been getting inspired looking at the Miyazaki playbook. This movie is a sure thing, as almost all… I’m sorry, as all Pixar films are. This one is a story following Carl Fredrickson and his adventures in his house that flies by balloon power as he journeys to a distant land. The only reason not to see this film is if you are a amoeba of some kind that has no higher brain function at all, or if your are Matthew McConaughey. I am not really going to talk much about it. I would just encourage you to watch the trailer and then attempt to look in the mirror and not smile. Good luck.

Calling This One At:

Box Office of epic proportions:$110 million.

The Reason to see this movie:

Drag Me To Hell

Sam Raimi goes back to his first girlfriend, the one that used to barf in his shoes after rolling in around 5 AM, and puts his lame current girlfriend Spiderman, the one that likes to play Jenga with her parents and go for smoothies on a Friday night, with this badass horror frolic. Drag Me To Hell features underated hottie Alison Lohman as a loan officer who denies a evil crone a bank loan (it’s actually a mortgage but the other one rhymed) and gets an ancient curse laid on her that promises horror for three days followed by the titular dragging to hell. Justin Long (Accepted, Dodgeball) also stars as Lohman’s love interest who tries to help cease the dragging to hell. It’s going to be awesome. While I doubt that we are in for the second coming of Evil Dead, I still suspect that awesome has an appointment with your eyeballs. The Raimi brothers deliver almost always, the exception being the train wreck of Spiderman 3, for which this film get demoted from an A to…..

Calling This One At:

Box Office of TERROR: $30 million. (They are losing money by not stating that Bruce Campbell and Ted Raimi are without doubt in this.)

Trailer of Terror:

Departures

This movie won the Best Foreign Language Oscar at this year’s Academy Awards. It follows the story of a young cellist in a orchestra that disbands, leaving him in need of a new job. In desperation he takes a job as a assistant mortician. He finds that he surprisingly loves the job despite the objections of his wife and family, and feels that he is a gatekeeper between life and death. For some reason despite usually screwing over the best movies and performances in the U.S., the Academy always gives nominations and awards to the best foreign films. Hopefully this will get a decent release because it looks great. Also if you didn’t catch the director’s acceptance speech at the Oscars (it was a surprise win that no one saw coming) it’s totally worth looking up on youtube or something.

Calling This One At:

Box Office in yen: $20 million

A trailer? Hai Dozo:

Well, that’s it for May. For some reason this month always has some really promising movies that end up sucking horribly. So here’s hoping that Wolverine kicks off a good month. After April we need something good. As a parting shot, don’t forget to look out for some of the smaller releases this summer. Usually it’s the big movies that everyone flocks to, but don’t forget summer can also have really good underground movies.

Calling This One: