Recently, my friend David pointed out a website in the forums. It was called Gunthernet.com, and it was the official website of a Swedish singer named Gunther. After spending brief moments with the site, I knew that I had to help spread the word to those in need of entertainment. And sexiness. And really bad mustaches.

So here is an account of my time spent with gunthernet…

9:22pm

My experience with gunthernet begins.

The first thing I see upon accessing Gunthernet is a picture of what appears to be a naked gay porn star, sprawled out on some kind of red plush… thing in front of a golden curtain. Luckily, everything but his face (complete with super creepy mustache) is blurred. Some text at the bottom says:

“Can you see the animation above? Then you have Flash installed. Great!

Don’t see the animation? Not so great! Click here to install Flash!”

Wait. Animation? This picture isn’t animate-Oh no! The rest of the blur just disappeared! Once more though, I am saved from seeing his nether regions by a cleverly placed bottle of champagne. So far what I can tell you is, if you in fact “Don’t see the animation?”, be happy, say a prayer to whoever you say prayers to, and click “Enter the Empire” before it starts working.

9:24pm

I Enter the Empire.

Upon entry I am treated to not one, but two picture of Gunther and his pencil-thin pedo-stache wearing the same outfit (although in one he is wearing an extra dazzling necklace). He has a very intense look in both pictures, and I can’t tell if he’s challenging me to a fight, or trying to sex me up. This is where we start learning of the genius of Gunther. Within the same picture he can say both “Let’s get to the sexing, if you’re into that” and “if not, look how tough and cool I am.” Well played, sir.

9:27pm

I decide to see what Gunther is all about.

I click the “About” button, where I learn that he refers to himself as “Pleasureman Gunther”, that the four main things in his life are “Champagne, Glamour, Sex and Respect!”, and that he is “a 29 years old gentleman style 2000 in his best years.” I am also treated to what has to be, the best thing on the whole site:

Surely, it doesn’t get any better than that. I spend some time admiring this image.

11:04pm

The Videos…

After clicking the “Video” button, I am given a selection of five of Gunther’s music videos. I select the first masterpiece, which is entitled “Ding Dong Song”. The opening lyrics of the song are “Ooh, you touch my tra-la-la… my ding-ding-dong”. Already, I know I’m in for a real treat. In the video, Gunther awakens atop of a pile of naked ladies. Some techno music starts playing that wouldn’t have sounded any different had it been produced ten years ago, and Gunther stands up. He too (again) is naked. As he stumbles out of the room, we cut to a close of up his lips (and stache) repeating the first lyrics. His teeth are so white, they literally sparkle in the candle light. While standing in the corner like a creepy voyeur, watching two of the girls pseudo-makeout, Gunther looks quite sad. More sad than a man who just woke up in a pile of naked women should.

As his lips talk about how “deep in the night” he is “looking for some fun”, Gunther stands around modeling a white blazer pulled from the wardrobe of Miami Vice, and appears to grow even more sad. However, once one of the naked ladies starts singing, his mood begins to lighten, and every once in a while, he even throws in a slight head bob as if to show me that even though he isn’t, it’s ok for me to enjoy myself.

With such hits as “Teeny Weeny String Bikini” and “TuttiFrutti Summerlove” immortalized forever in film, there is plenty to enjoy here. Unfortunately the setup for each video similarly involves a group of attractive women dancing on a beach, or in an exquisite mansion, while Gunther is somewhere else entirely, but still seems to be able to sadly watch them.

11:35pm

The End…

Reluctantly, I take my leave of gunthernet, and begin to write this article. Gunther is apparently headed out on an American tour, so keep an eye out. For your convenience, here is a link to my favorite wallpaper of his. The pit hair really adds to the sexiness.